The worst part of waking up
by Kuri333
Summary: The worst part of waking up was not remembering what had happened while he had been under the unavoidable influx of the full moon. Just toying with a popular theory. Remus Lupin / Nymphadora Tonks.
1. The worst part of waking up

**Just toying with a popular (and almost, almost AU) theory. **

**None of the characters and places are mine, obviously.**

**(And something of a warning: this story happens during OoTP; it goes back in time, chapter 1 happens after everything else, as stated on the dates.)  
**

**---**

_November 8th, 1995_**  
**

The worst part of waking up was not remembering what had happened while he had been under the unavoidable influx of the full moon. Therefore he had long time ago learned to take his precautions. He would shut himself in his apartment and he would lock it with many different protective charms so he wouldn't go out and also no one would come in accidentally.

Nonetheless he had to check. So every morning after a transformation he would walk through the place convincing himself that he hadn't go out, that he hadn't hurt anyone, that everything was in place before sighing in relief after yet another eventless full moon.

Feeling the sun on his face, he stretched himself on the dusty carpet where he undoubtedly had laid the night before and opened his eyes.

Instinctively he stood up at once and reached for his well hidden wand.

A big grayish brown she-wolf was lying just feet from the place he had just vacated.

Hearing him shuffle for his wand she opened her amber eyes and looked around. He could have sworn that, at the sight of his naked and scratched body, the wolf had smiled, for the way she had opened her mouth and waved her long tail seemed to belong to the most friendly of gestures. Far from a grown up wolf she had the air of a puppy.

He waited for the she-wolf to move, maybe to attack him, but she just watched him pointing his wand at her. What on earth could had happened the night before that had ended with a wolf on his apartment?

Still holding his wand he looked around for something to wear. Not only he was cold but the wolf was making him feel strangely self conscious. She had chosen to sit down and continued looking at him, hardly blinking, while waiving her tail lazily.

And then, as he was putting on a faded shirt, it struck him. _Surely not!_

He wheeled around and crouched in front of the wolf who tilted her head lightly as if curious of this sudden behaviour. He looked at her for a while, taking in every detail, the colour of her hair, the shape of her eyes, searching, recognising.

"You didn't," he whispered finally.

The wolf moved her head on the other direction as if asking him to explain. He cleared his throat that had suddenly became very dry.

"Tonks," he said hoarsely, it wasn't a question.


	2. Have you ever tried?

_Early September, 1995.  
_

"Have you ever tried to turn yourself into an animal?"

Tonks was half asleep and event though he knew she needed to rest, he felt he had important reasons to ask. Obviously wanting to understand what she was being asked about, she looked up at Remus' face, blinking.

"Huh?"

"I was wondering if you've ever tried to morph yourself to take an animal's form," he repeated calmly.

She shook her head slowly, trying hastily to wake her brain up, and she sat a bit straighter on the bed.

"No…" she said slowly. "I haven't… I don't know if I can…"

"I don't know if you could either," he said pulling her closer, "but I was thinking the other day, when you were morphing your nose in front of Ginny and Hermione… you actually managed a pig snout, didn't you?"

"Yeah but… well, dunno. There is one thing trying to morph some small part of your body, like your nose or your hair… bigger parts are more difficult. Not just the morphing, but staying like that long enough and then morphing back. But then again I can also alter the shape and size of my bones if I wanted to."

As to prove her point she extended her small hand in front of Remus and focusing on it she made it grow almost twice its size, replacing her short fingernails with long claw-like ones.

"Impressive," he murmured.

"Not really," she said stroking his chest playfully with one of the overgrown fingernails. "I was born a Metamorphmagus so it's not such a great feature to be able to change the size of my hands."

"Nonetheless, I am sure it takes a great deal of concentration to control it."

"Yeah... I suppose it does. Again, it depends on what are you trying to morph," she said, turning her hand back to its normal size.

He remained silent for a while, he had had another idea, somewhat terrifying and he was feeling this question should not wait. How to make it could be the tricky part.

"But…" he finally spoke again.

"But?"

He felt he might blush.

"Nothing. It's a very silly question."

"Oh, come on! Tell me!"

"Well… I was wondering," he looked at her, somewhat sheepishly, and stroked her cheek with the back of his finger. "This is really you, right?"

Tonks looked at him amused.

"Meaning?" she arched an eyebrow.

"Meaning…" Remus was now positively blushing, "Are you morphed right now? Is it what you look like without…?"

He could not continue, for she was laughing softly, her entire body rocking against his. Remus chuckled awkwardly.

"No one had ever asked me _that_ before." She gasped for air. "But it's a very good question."

She screw her face in concentration and Remus could see how his bright red short hair swiftly became clearer and longer until it was a cascade of golden locks. Her features were changing as well, the shape of her nose was a bit different, her lips seemed swollen and redder and when she opened her eyes, they were blue and framed with long black eyelashes. He was looking at an entirely different person.

"What if I told you I look like this?" said the unfamiliar woman with a deep velvety voice. "And what if I confess I've trying to hide it because it would draw too much attention?"

Remus looked at that _femme fatale_ lying next to him and felt a bit uncomfortable. He didn't know what to say. Staring closer at her though, he saw a familiar mischievous light on those eyes, some sort of energy that had nothing to do with shape or colour.

"You're not," he finally said smiling.

The blonde gave a deep laugh and screwing her face proceeded to rearrange her features again, setting on the ones Remus was used to see, the hazel eyes, the heart shaped face. The only difference between the previous one was the hair, now a bit longer and green.

She smiled and looked at him.

"This is me, Remus," she spoke with her usual kind voice. "I could take any form I want, but I've chosen to stay with my own. Not only because it'll take an amount of energy to remain morphed the whole time but because reality fits me better."

He reached for her face and kissed her softly.

"And the hair?" he murmured to her lips.

"Oh… that."

He looked up, arching his eyebrows.

"The colour of my hair is something I wasn't so thrilled with." She bit her lip.

"What's the original colour?"

"That I won't show you. And I really hope you'll never get to see it."


	3. After that conversation

After that conversation, Tonks could not get the idea out of her head. Could she turn into an animal? She realised that it had not been just a random question Remus had made out of sheer curiosity, it did not take her long to figure it out while lying awake hearing his soft snores. Werewolves were not dangerous to animals so if she would be able to turn into one, that would mean he would not have to be away from her on full moons.

Of course, Remus would never suggest for her to do such a thing. And even if she could turn into an animal, she very much doubted he would let her be there. And still, she could not help but wonder.

The next morning, for the first time since they were together, she could barely wait to go out to work and be finally alone. She was almost relieved when she tripped into her empty cubicle and shut the door behind her.

Extending her hand in front of her and closing her eyes she concentrated hard on the shape she wanted to achieve. She felt the bones on her fingers shrink, the skin on her palm get harder, her nails thin.

Opening her eyes she saw a very strange shape that scared her a bit. It wasn't a human hand, nor the intended paw, but something in between. It looked like a small very hairy limb.

_Bollocks_.

Cursing under her breath she morphed her hand back to normal, while thinking she would need some help. She scribbled hastily a note on a piece of parchment and ran into the Ministry Owlery, almost knocking out a fellow Auror who called her something unpleasant.

She would have to wait now, she thought, looking the grey owl as it disappeared into the blue sky.

She was glad she had a lot to do that morning so she wouldn't think much about the response she was expecting. Finally, almost at the end of the day, there it was.

_The question you ask me doesn't have a simple answer. If you wish to discuss the subject, I will be at my office at Hogwarts this evening._

_M. McGonagall_

Tonks smiled, wondering vaguely about what would McGonagall have to do at school in the middle of summer holidays.

She Apparated after work on a side alley in Hogsmeade and climbed her way up to the castle. She had not been there since she had graduated four years ago and she was pleased to see everything looked just the same. Even the great iron gates would open to her as if she were still a student, she realised thrilled.

The corridors were empty but for her own school memories and she enjoyed pacing them so much she almost forgot the reason she was there. It felt as she would find her school friends around the next corner.

She finally reached McGonagall's office and knocked smartly.

"Come in," came a sharp voice from the inside.

"Wotcher, Minerva," she said, remaining herself she wasn't a student anymore and she shouldn't therefore addressed her fellow Order member as Professor.

"Good evening, Tonks," she greeted. She was sitting at her desk, which was almost completely covered with envelopes and parchment.

"I'm sorry to disturb you…" Tonks started.

"Don't worry, I could use a break. Please take a sit." She said briskly.

"Thanks."

Her old Transfiguration Professor took some time to sort out a couple of envelops and clear and empty space on the table before talking again.

"So, you asked me about the difference between an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus 'besides the obvious'", she continued, quoting from a piece of parchment Tonks recognised as the same one she'd sent earlier.

She blushed. Somehow it all sounded really stupid when her old teacher said it aloud.

"Yeah… well…" she started. "What I want to know is if… if I could morph into an animal… if I wanted to."

McGonagall looked at her sharply and Tonks felt as if she were reading into her mind.

"Answering your first question, the difference you're asking about lies deep into the very essence of being an Animagus. You see, an Animagus is a wizard or witch that has taking a path starting with discovering her animal self and concentrating on allowing it to take over him or her. So, if you were an Animagus, while being that animal you change into, you don't only change your shape but also your consciousness and your perceptions. You turn partially into that animal. Your thoughts may be simpler and you might act more upon instinct than reason. Specially at the beginning. With time, though, you'd learn to balance both parts."

Tonks was listening to her in rapt attention, picturing on her mind the Professor's own cat self and Sirius' dog.

"Metamorphmagus," McGonagall continued, "don't change their essence, just their external aspect. You must have noticed that even when you impersonate an elderly woman, your thoughts, actions and perceptions would still be those of a young witch. Yours actually."

Tonks nodded.

"So…" she added curiously.

"So, theoretically, you could shift your shape into an animal's. The less it resembles a human, the harder it would be, obviously. And I don't know if there would be any limits, for instance, if you'd wanted to turn yourself into, say, a slug. I think it depends only on your determination and your own capacity to focus on the animal's shape. You'd also have the advantage of choose, you don't have to search an animal in you, since you could, eventually, morph into any animal."

Tonks looked at her in amazement. After a moment, she asked hesitantly.

"Can I… could I show you something?"

"Of course," the older witch eyed at her curiously.

Tonks extended her hand again and, closing her eyes, tried to focus harder this time. _Theoretically you could_. She recited to herself McGonagall's words as if they were a kind of mantra.

Her sudden gasp made Tonks open her eyes.

It was an odd sight. There was a normal human arm, getting hairier near the wrist and ending in a perfect shaped wolf paw.

Amazed, Tonks tried to move the fingers and realised it was almost impossible, because her wolfish bones and muscles would wave only a little. She touched the soft leather-like palm and felt her human finger on it. She gave a small half triumphant half amazed laugh.

"I did it!" she said looking at her teacher with sparkling eyes. "This morning I couldn't."

"This is truly remarkable, Tonks."

Coming from McGonagall it was twice as rewarding. The younger witch didn't remember being prised like that by her before, even with her high Transfiguration marks at school.

"Could you try with another part of your body?" McGonagall asked looking really interested.

Tonks smiled and morph her hand back.

Screwing her face in concentration she focused on its features now. There was a tickling sensation on her nose, and she could feel her ears definitely growing. It was taking almost all her energy, though. She was aware of her blood thumping with effort on her temple and she realised her hands were shaking slightly. When she opened her eyes it was to see a slightly revolted McGonagall.

She tried to ask what was wrong but only an odd whimper came from her throat. At least she had managed to change her vocal chords. Without saying a word, McGonagall shuffled into one of the desk's drawers and produced a mirror. Tonks took it eagerly and looked at her image. She felt an urge to laugh mixed with some queasiness. Looking back at her from the mirror was a strange collage of a woman and a wolf. She had a somehow hairless snout and pointy big ears, and when she opened her mouth she saw a clear line of fangs that made her smile… just, it looked like a rather menacing gesture. But that was it. The rest of her head was topped with spiky green hair and the hazel eyes and temple were still definitely human.

She shivered and closing her eyes again, focused on her face. The morphing took much longer this time and she could feel her trembling again while drops of sweat descended down her spine. When she finally felt she was back to normal she let her head fall over a stack of parchment on the desk.

"Are you alright, Tonks?" McGonagall asked tentatively.

"Yeah…" she panted pulling up, with a shaken voice. "I'm… exhausted."

"That's natural," she smiled at her. "I expect that kind of transformation would take some getting used to, but with time you will be able to do it and it won't be as hard as it is now. That is," she added as an afterthought, "if you're still willing to go through this."

"I am," Tonks said, and there was no trace of trembling in her voice.

She stood up, a little unsurely.

"Can I get you something? Tea perhaps?"

Tonks shook her head.

"I won't take more of your time, Minerva, you were obviously busy. Thank you very much."

"Let me know how does it go."

"Sure, I will."

Tonks smiled and turned around; she was about to leave the office when she heard McGonagall calling her name. She looked at her with an unreadable expression.

"May I ask why the sudden interest? Why are you willing to try even if it's obviously painful?"

How much could she confide in her, Tonks thought. She looked so stern and strict and yet, there was something deeply touching in her question. The younger witch shrugged and, feeling her blush again, muttered one word.

"Remus."

McGonagall looked at her with a too understanding expression and something else; some other very strong emotion flashed on her gray eyes.

"Don't tell him, though," Tonks added hastily. "He might want to try and stop me."

The Transfiguration Professor nodded and smiled kindly.

"You must really care for him."

"I do," Tonks replied simply, but feeling "care" wasn't a word she would use to describe the way she felt about Remus. "'Night, then," she added, "and thank you again."

"Good night."


	4. He looked at her rather amused

She opened the door of his flat to find Remus reading on the couch; he looked up, with a smile that said he was really pleased to see her. Feeling her beam broadly, she all but sprinted into the small sitting room and onto the couch next to him.

He looked at her rather amused as she turned her head to kiss him.

"Wotcher"

"Hello"

He let his lips linger in hers for a while. When they finally broke apart, he gave her an appreciative look.

"You seem happy, how was work?"

Tonks felt her blush and morph it away hastily, before he could realise she was keeping something from him. She was used to hid information at work but somehow she feared it would be most difficult to do it from Remus. Even though they had not been together for a long time, he had a way of reading into her expression that, right now, could proven to be dangerous to her plans.

"Same as usual," she said trying to sound nonchalant, "dull, boring paperwork. Oh, and we got a tip off about where Sirius Black might be. I had to stay on a sunny and very hot street for almost two hours guarding a building where he might have been hidden all this time."

Remus made a sympathetic noise and kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry about that."

She gave him a grim smile, congratulating herself from distracting him and herself. She had to stop thinking about her hidden transformations altogether.

"The worst part of it," she continued, "is knowing that meanwhile he was surely at Headquarters and probably having some iced pumping juice."

"Oh, he was," Remus said, chuckling softly. "I went to see him today. Except, it was not pumping juice, it was Butterbeer."

Tonks gave a mock groan and looked at him, smiling down at her.

She leaned forward until her lips were less than an inch from his.

"I'm happy to see you."

Kissing him again she thought she'd better master her morphing quickly. She hated hiding something this big from Remus.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"Very."

He looked at her for a moment. There was something else, he was sure, but he couldn't quite place what was it.

"Are you alright?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, why?" she asked, panicking inside. What was he looking at that might be giving her away?

"I don't know," he said slowly. Tonks what looking at him with a slightly puzzled expression, her face a bit pale.

He was probably imagining things. He should control that paranoia of his, nothing was wrong and there she was, the woman he fancied, happy to see him and tired. And hungry. And he was making a fool of himself by questioning her as if she were a small girl. Wanting to kick himself for his absurd uneasiness he stood up and offered her a hand.

"There is some onion soup in the kitchen, come on."

Feeling a little guilty Tonks took his hand, stood up and followed into the kitchen. She would have to learn that wolf thing fast.


	5. She just knew the right person

It was a very excited Tonks that entered number 12 Grimmauld Place a week later. After some attempts to work the morphing on her own, and realising it was indeed very difficult, not to mention exhausting and painful, she decided she would need help again. Not the kind of help she had gotten from McGonagall; she had already all the information she needed. What she was looking for was moral support, some pointers, someone with whom she could really talk to about this. She needed an accomplice.

When she realised she just knew the right person to do the job, she'd impulsively Apparated without wasting a moment.

Her entering into Headquarters was loud enough to wake Sirius' mum up, but she couldn't care less.

"FILTH! MUDBLOOD! FREAK!"

"Wotcher, auntie!" she greeted with a cheerful voice that made the old witch in the portrait to go on a very loud tantrum. Tonks attempted to close the curtains hastily.

Sirius was rushing down the stairs; the two of the finally managed to silence the painting's screams. Quietly this time, both went to the kitchen.

"Geez, Tonks, I thought you were over making a racket every time you entered Headquarters," he said whit a grimace.

"And a good afternoon to you too!" Tonks said grimacing back at him. Then she added, "Sorry 'bout setting your mum off. I guess I was louder than usual."

Her cousin waved a hand dismissively and pulled two Butterbeers from a kitchen cabinet.

"What's up?" he asked, sitting heavily on a chair at the kitchen table. "How come Remus isn't here with you?"

"He had guard duty," Tonks said, opening her bottle and sitting on the table with her legs crossed. "Besides, I wanted to talk to you alone."

Sirius stared at her for a moment.

"You haven't had a row with him now, have you?"

"No," she hastened on clarifying. "Not at all."

He smiled. "Good… then what is it?"

Tonks remained silent for a while. Then, suddenly, she drained her Butterbeer in one and jumped from the table.

"I want to show you something."

He raised his eyebrows.

Tonks gave a most un-Tonkish giggle. "I'm kinda nervous."

His cousin looked puzzled.

"What about?"

"Wait and see."

Tonks extended both her hands in front of his cousin face and closed her eyes. Just as McGonagall had done, Sirius gasped. Feeling that she had done it right, she opened her eyes and looked at her newly morphed paws.

Her cousin reached forward and took her right paw into his hands.

"It feels real," he murmured.

"It is real," she replied smugly. "I need your help… or your couching."

"Couching?"

"I want to be able to turn into a full wolf."

Sirius looked at her, with a funny expression in his face, somewhere between amazement and a sneer.

"Does this have to do with full moons and a certain friend of mine?" he asked arching one eyebrow.

"Of course."

Her cousin looked at her appreciatively.

"You're tougher than I thought and that's saying a lot."

Tonks felt strangely moved by his words, but she wasn't going to let him know that. "I know I am," she said with a grin.

"Alright then, what do you want me to do? The help of somebody else won't be very useful and I reckon that what you're doing is not what I did when becoming an Animagus."

"Nope, this is different. I've discussing it with McGonagall. The thing is," Tonks looked at him, "I haven't told Remus."

"Why not?"

"Oh come off it, it's him, remember? He wouldn't want me to do it. He'd say is too much of a risk for me to be with him while he transforms, even if he's taken Wolfsbane and I'm a wolf."

Sirius thought about it for a moment.

"You're right about that, but I still don't get what's my part on this."

"You don't have to _do_ much, I just want someone to share this with. Someone who may be willing to give me some support. It is death difficult to do, you know…"

"I do know, as a matter of fact, even if it was different when we became Animagi. Very well then, I'll help you." Getting up and taking another bottle of Butterbeer with him he started walking out the kitchen. "Come on!"

"Where?" Tonks looked puzzled.

"The drawing room," he called over his shoulder. "We're starting right away."

She beamed at the retreating back of her cousin and followed him.


	6. Come on now, you lazy witch

"Come on now, you lazy witch!"

Tonks glared at her cousin from the couch in which she had just collapsed.

"Sod off."

"Get up, then."

"I'm tired."

"Tired? Why?" Sirius asked with a mischievous grin, turning into a black dog. He ran a couple of times around the drawing room and transformed back into human again.

"Show off," Tonks murmured gloomily.

"Do I seem tired to you?" he said with an irritating smug voice.

"You've been doing this since before I was born!"

"Have not!" Sirius said in mocking offense. "I'm not that old!"

She didn't answered but settled into scoffing loudly.

"Alright Nymphadora, get your butt out of that couch and try again."

"It's Tonks!" she screamed at him.

"I'll call you Nymphadora 'till you get this right."

That was the problem though. She had been trying it for many weeks and couldn't get the knack of it. Tonks could effectively morph separate parts of her body, but haven't been successful into transforming her torso yet, and therefore didn't know if the legs that resembled so much those of a wolf, would carry her weight, for an instance. She was also having some trouble with the head, usually turning into something that resembled a lot the strange collage she got in front of McGonagall the first time she'd tried.

Grudgingly she stood up, murmuring something that sounded very offensive.

"Do I need to remind you, dear cousin of mine, that it was you the one who asked me… nay, practically begged me to couch you?"

"I did not beg!"

"Whatever suits you best, Nymphadora."

She gave a loud growl and closed her eyes; she was indeed very tired. They had been practising for over two hours now and she was somewhat discouraged from the lack of progress she seemed to be making so far. Due mainly to the fact that she was adamant about keeping her plans secret from Remus, it was only on those rare occasions when he had guard duty and she didn't, that she could sneak into Number 12 Grimmauld Place and do some real practicing with Sirius.

She crouched on the floor so not to fall and concentrating hard for what seemed like the hundredth time that evening, Tonks focused on both her arms and legs. She felt the already familiar shrinking, the rearrangement of the bones, the growing of hair.

There was something else this time, though. Maybe she could try some more, push herself a little further… Thinking about Remus, she focused on her spine, remembering the many images she'd seen of wolves' skeletons. This time she'll do it, she just had to.

"Way to go, Tonks!" Sirius joyful cry made her open her eyes.

For the first time she was standing in her four wolf legs and inside the violet human robe she was wearing she could feel she'd managed to morph her torso. Finally. She gave a few tentative steps but stopped in her tracks. Sirius was laughing loudly and she turned to look at him.

"You are the ugliest wolf I've ever seen," he said still laughing.

"What the bloody hell do you mean?" she asked harshly.

Then she realised it, she hadn't morph her head, therefore she could still talk. She walked slowly, enjoying the feeling of the carpet on her four paws, to a mirror on the wall. At the sight of the full sized wolf with a very human head she started laughing too.

"I see your point."

Despite her tiredness, she felt confident. She had finally achieved a wolf body and she was going to go as further as possible. Screwing her face she concentrated on it, from her ears to her nose, her throat, her eyes, her hair, her tongue. She could feel blood pumping on her temple, her wolfish legs trembling, almost an audible whimper came out of her mouth. And then…

The room was oddly quiet except from her soft panting.

Dreading what she was about to see, Tonks opened her eyes; she was colour-blind. Looking at her from the mirror was a handsome she-wolf, with grayish fur and clear eyes. She looked at Sirius, who was standing at her, smiling broadly.

"Now _this_ is how a wolf is supposed to look like," he said, pride ringing on every word.

She tried to get rid of her tunic, she wanted to see her full wolf body. Chuckling at her attempts to take it off with both her paws and her teeth, Sirius crouched ad helped her out. The image in the mirror was magnificent.

Sirius started laughing again. Tonks growled at him, loving the sound that came from her throat.

"You forgot the tail," he explained.

Grinning and whimpering softly, the wolf closed her eyes yet again and Sirius could see how a long hairy tail started growing slowly from her rare side. Panting slightly, the wolf opened her eyes and looked at her image.

If there had ever been a smug wolf, it must have look exactly the way Tonks did right then.


	7. She could feel every small pebble

She could feel every small pebble, every particle of dirt under her paws. She could hear too, almost everything. Who would have said that an apparently silent forest at a cloudless cold night would be a place so full of life? Even though her sight was a lot less sharp than in her human form, she hardly could say she missed it, for there was the smell too. The richness of it all, every plant, twig, stone, bird, felt as if everything around her had new layers, an entire new dimension. She wondered vaguely what Remus would smell like and smiling to herself she realised she would find out soon enough.

At her side, the rhythmical running of her companion and steady breaths made her focus on what they were doing.

The dog and the wolf sprinted in the woods, racing each other to the top of a hill. Just a few yards from the top, the black dog start running faster. With a triumphant bark, he got there first and waved his tail playfully at the panting she-wolf that had just managed to climb the last bit.

The wolf gave the dog a poke with her front paw and got a small playful bite on one ear.

Barking again, the dog started running down. The wolf didn't feel up to it though, and, since she was on the top of a hill illuminated by the pearly white light of an almost full moon, she shoved her head back and howled.

The beauty of the sound almost made her stop. She kept going though, enjoying the vibrations down her throat, the way it all seemed to belong together. A second howl filled the night, the black dog was at her side, playing his part.


	8. Back in her human shape

Back in her human shape, Tonks Apparated herself and Sirius back into Headquarters. She was so tiered that , for a moment, she'd feared she wouldn't be able to do it without splinching herself or the black dog.

She would have loved to gloat at her recent achievement and rest, but there were more pressing matters. Running rather clumsily up the kitchen stairs she almost landed on the entrance hall of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The troll umbrella stand was exactly where Sirius had left it, a couple of inches from the entrance door. If someone had been there, it would have been surely moved out of that inconvenient place. Smiling, she put the troll leg back in place.

Going back to the kitchen, and sitting on the table, she finally allowed herself a grin.

"Booby-trap intact," she informed Sirius, who had just turned back human. "I think we made it just in time before Remus shows up." Her cousin gave a husky bark-like laugh.

"That was amazing! I don't remember having that much fun since… well it's been surely a while," he was positively beaming at his cousin.

"It was really great, yeah. And I'm glad that no-one noticed I took you out of the house, or it would have been both our sorry arses to pay for it!"

"Come on!" Sirius handled her a bottle of Butterbeer. "Don't start with the I'm-an-Auror-I-have-responsibilities rubbish on me, I know you better than that!"

Tonks looked at her cousin with a mischievous smile.

"And here I was, hoping I was making some progress on that area."

"You'll never will, Tonksie, once a troublemaker, always a troublemaker."

"Forget about it. I did it, didn't I?" She said smugly, with bright eyes. "I managed to stay morphed long enough. I'm ready!"

"Yeah, I think you are." Sirius said slowly. "And it seems it is not that hard for you to morph anymore."

"No, it isn't. I'm still very tired, but that might be because of those stupid races of you than anything else."

"Your wolfish self didn't seem to find them that stupid," Sirius said with a sneer. "Or perhaps you're not liking them now after realising I am so much faster than you."

"Come off it! I could have won you if I'd wanted to…"

"Sure, why not? Continue to delude yourself."

"You wish, old man."

"I used to be the fastest of the four of us back at Hogwarts."

"You are a dog, Sirius, you are supposed to be faster than a stag and a rat. And probably faster than a werewolf…"

The door of the kitchen opened carefully and Remus entered, looking tired and caring a couple of plastic bags.

"Hello," he said.

"Hello, Moony," Sirius stood up hastily, trying to occupy himself in something as to not give away they had been talking about something he was not to hear. Tonks was still positive about hiding her transformations until the next full moon.

"Wotcher, Remus," Tonks stood up as well and gave the newcomer a kiss. "How was your shift?"

"Uneventful," he said kissing her back.

Remus looked at her for a moment, there it was, that _something_ that made him feel uneasy around her lately. Or maybe it was just his imagination. He started taking small parcels out of the bags and putting them on the table. Sirius grabbed some plates and levitated a couple of bottles of wine on the table.

"What have you two been up to lately?" the newcomer asked trying to sound nonchalant.

"Not much," Tonks hurried to say. "Just old Padfoot here, telling me old stories about a very strange pack that went about marauding the Forbidden Forest back on his Hogwarts days."

Remus, trying to put his own insecurities aside, chuckled softly. "Whatever he might have told you, Nymph, he was probably exaggerating."

"Dunno," Tonks said grabbing a plate and taking generous amounts of rice from one of the parcels. "He might have mentioned a very scary werewolf."

"That was no exaggeration, then." Remus smiled. "Did he tell you about that very reckless dog?"

Sirius snorted over a wantan. "The handsome one, you mean?"

"No," Remus said with mocking thoughtfulness. "I don't recall any handsome dog whatsoever… He was rather shabby and very smelly."

Tonks started laughing at both of them.

"Hark who's barking," Sirius said.

"Likewise."

--

Two hours and two bottles of elf-made wine later, Tonks and Remus were walking down the front steps of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He had been very quiet for the last half an hour and she could feel a prickling sensation of uneasiness running down her spine.

"Do you mind if we walk for awhile instead of Apparating?" he asked.

_Bollocks! He had figured it out!_

"Alright." Tonks slid her hand in his callous one and suppress a relieved sigh when he took it instead of rejecting her.

For a moment she considered pretending nothing was wrong in the hope he'll forget whatever it was that entertained his mind, but she knew better. If there was indeed something, he wouldn't let it go and it would do him no good to keep it to himself. She braced herself for what might come.

"Remus, are you alright?"

He sighed deeply. No, he wasn't alright but he wasn't sure what to do with this awkwardness he had been feeling lately around Tonks. There _was_ something, he was sure, but he wasn't that certain about wanting to know what was it. Maybe she was having second thoughts about them being together, maybe she was already realising the downsides of being with him, as he predicted she would. But then, why was she holding his hand? Why did she remained closed by and loving as ever?

"Yeah…" he started. No, he had to know. "As a matter of fact… can I ask you something?"

Tonks looked at him, hoping that he wouldn't be able to hear the uneven bumping of her heart.

"Sure."

Remus stayed silent for a moment.

"Are you… are we alright?"

She looked a bit puzzled. That wasn't something she had being expecting. Then realisation washed over her as a cold shower. He wouldn't look at this as if there was something wrong with _her_. As usual, he would blame himself. If she could have get away with slapping herself without him noticing, she would have done it. Not being the case, she let go of Remus' hand and, without stopping their pace, Tonks slid her arm on his waist. Relieved again, she felt his arm around her shoulders.

"I'd say yes, we are alright," she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder. "Why on earth are you asking that?"

Remus remained silent for awhile, gathering his thoughts.

"I don't know," he finally said very slowly. "I… maybe I'm being paranoid, but I can't help to feel there is something different in you. Are you… are you keeping something from me?"

Tonks stared at him. He was looking at the road and didn't seem willing to meet her eyes. He was asking for an honest answer and she needed to come up with one, fast. She cleared her throat.

"Actually, Remus, I am."

She stopped and he finally looked at her.

Remus didn't expected that, not in a million years. He'd practically expected her to deny it or to make a silly excuse, or even to say that he had been imagining things.

"You are?"

"Yes, I am." She could see in his eyes the changing of his emotions, bewilderment, embarrassment, resentment. "And I need you to trust me."

"To trust you?" he sounded calm, but she could feel he was fighting against his own anger.

"I am hiding something for you but I need you to believe me when I say that it isn't bad, nor dangerous, and that you will learn all about it in due course."

"I don't think that's fair," he replied.

"Maybe not, and I would have wished you wouldn't realise that I was up to something until it would be done. But since you have, you would have to settle with this."

"How long?" his voice was cold and he took a step back, glaring at her.

"How long what?" it was scary. She had never seen him being so cold to anyone, specially her.

"How long will I have to "settle with this"?"

Tonks looked at the moon from the corner of her eyes. It couldn't be that long now.

"Just a couple of days," she whispered meekly. "Please, Remus, I'm asking you to trust me on this one."

His mind was racing. Even when she'd said it wasn't dangerous or bad, it must be something serious for her to wanted it hidden from him. Something that would affect him, probably. However, what annoyed Remus the most wasn't the _thing_ itself, whatever it was, but the fact that she hadn't been completely honest with him.

"Haven't you ever try to hid something from the people you cared for, because you've thought it would be better that way?" she said after a long, awkward silence. It was a low blow and she knew it. He had after all tried to hide his lycanthropy back at school and even now he wasn't too keen to speak about it to strangers.

Remus finally gave her a crooked smile.

"I have, and you know it. But eventually they found out."

"And you will eventually know what this is all about," she said, relieved at the sight of him relaxing a bit. Feeling bold, she closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his waist, not looking away from his eyes.

Remus chuckled softly. "I do hope it isn't dangerous, Nymphadora."

"Not more than the average Auror stuff," she said brightly.

"Alright, now I'm worried," he said leaning forward to kiss her.

"Don't be, Remus."

_I'm doing it this month._


	9. She was nervous Very nervous

_November 7th, 1995_

She was nervous. Very nervous. Auror training trials' nervous.

She forced a steady breath and finally reached the top floor, facing the peeling paint on Remus' front door. She couldn't hear a sound but she knew that, among the many wards and charms he would put on his flat, there was bound to be a Silencing charm.

Tonks drew her wand and started patiently and thoroughly undoing each every one of the enchantments that sealed the place. She had been there mere hours ago and had seen him drinking the Wolfsbane that had been left in Grimmauld Place by a very sulky Snape. She had brought it to his flat and soon after she'd left, giving him a kiss on the forehead.

Despite the conversation of just three days ago and her efforts to reassure him, there had been a very subtle change in their relationship. He was a tad cold, a bit unattached from her and she was resenting it deeply.

_If everything goes as planned, _she thought_, there won't be secrets anymore. Everything will go back to normal._

The wards were proving very tricky to undo. Trust it to Remus to lock himself up so earnestly that even if it were an emergency, no-one would be able to come in and get him out. She was annoyed, feeling that her never-steady patience was wearing off. For the first time since she'd planned all this, she feared there was a chance for her not to succeed.

_This is ironic. After all the efforts of turning myself into a hairy beast, here I am being stopped by a closed door!_

And then she felt it. The wards were finally off. And that was supposed to be the easy part.

Holding her wand steady and casting her own Silencing charm around the door, Tonks opened it with all the stealth she could muster. The flat was dark except from the flickering lights from candles coming from Remus' room. She didn't dare to turn the lights on, she wouldn't risk him knowing she was there before turning into a wolf.

Reluctantly, she left her wand on a table, feeling terribly unprotected. She had not choice though. Shutting her eyes, she concentrated on that form she was starting to grow accustom to. McGonagall had been right, it wasn't as difficult, nor as gruesome as it had been the first times. Opening her eyes she checked whatever parts of this new body she could see. The legs and paws, the tail, the fur on her back. She tried to speak only to hear a whimper coming from her throat.

At the sound of the scrambling of paws from the room at the end of the corridor, the she-wolf felt as if the blood on her veins had frozen. She had as well as announced her presence to the werewolf. _That was the most reckless thing you could do!_

She knew that she shouldn't fear, or at least she was trying to gather reasons to convince herself of that. For once, because if she showed some kind of fright, the werewolf would feel it and he might feel menaced; and also because, rationally, he _was_ under the effects of the potion. And ultimately, because it was her Remus. Nonetheless, it was fear what crept down her spine and made her fur stand.

Standing still were she was, the wolf saw the dark figure coming down the corridor. It was impressively large, massive, with gleaming eyes she supposed were yellow, and fur standing on the top of his neck.

Despite her own set of fangs and strong paws, she felt defenseless. Terribly so.

The werewolf towered over her and looked.

_Submission_, the wolf thought, and ignoring the voices in her head screaming that she was mad and reckless and idiotic, she crouched as she'd read wolves would do in front of the alpha of their pack, drawing back her ears and whimpering softly.

The werewolf tilted his head to the side, apparently taken aback by this behaviour, but the she-wolf could notice the slightly looseness of his posture. He waged his tail slowly and she decided she'd risk it. Not breaking eye contact, she stood up and went nearer; with her snout she reached for his and licked it softly.

The relaxation of the atmosphere was evident. The werewolf liked her as well and whimpering a little, turned around to go back to the room. The she-wolf wanted to follow, but slid on the linoleum floor of the corridor. Cursing herself for not being able to get rid of her clumsiness even while being a wolf, she got up and trailed behind him.

She was proud nonetheless.

_I've done it_, she thought, waging her long, fury tail.


	10. Looking at the amber eyes

_November 8th, 1995_

Looking at the amber eyes of the impressive grayish she-wolf, he tried to find his voice.

"Tonks," he said hoarsely, it wasn't a question.

The she-wolf gave a small high-pitched bark and in front of his eyes transformed slowly into a blue-haired witch, smiling broadly at him.

"I thought it would take you longer to figure it out," she said conversationally, sprinting into her feet and taking the sheets of his bed to wrap herself in them. He was looking at her without daring to believe what he had just seen and trying to find his voice.

She walked nearer and deliberately slow put her arms around his neck and kissed him. For a moment he stayed put, dumbstruck, and then, almost automatically he kissed her back. Remus could feel her simile against his lips.

"How?" he finally murmured hoarsely. His brain seemed to be working again.

She pulled apart without taking her arms of his neck and beamed at him.

"It's a long story."

They looked at each other in silence. He could see her eyes sparkling with happiness and pride and, without thinking, he put his hands on her hips. He had to be sure she was actually there, with him, right after his transformation.

Suddenly everything made sense. Her strange behaviour, the amounts of extra time she spent at Sirius', his air of knowing something.

"This is what you were hiding from me," he said finally.

"Let's call it _my_ fury little secret," she replied, nodding, with the mischievous glow in her eyes he loved so much.

But still, it all could have gone terribly wrong, he could have lost control and… Remus couldn't finish that thought.

_But it didn't_, said a voice in his head._ Everything went alright and you're feeling better after this transformation than you have in a very long time._

But still…

"Why…" he cleared his throat, "why didn't you tell me you were planning to turn yourself into a wolf?"

"'Cause you would've try to stop me, wouldn't you?" She replied lightly and let go of him. "I'm starving, let's have breakfast."

She turned to go into the kitchen but he grabbed her hand.

"Wait a moment."

Tonks looked at him with the slightest hint of apprehension in her eyes, mixed with exasperation. She was fearing his reaction, even though it was plain she was trying to hide it behind a would-be casual smile. But he wouldn't react badly. Maybe he was being selfish, but this full moon had actually being far less terrible than the last ones and he was certain it had been so because of her keeping him company. What he was feeling in front of this blue-haired woman was far from annoyance or resentment.

"You shoul- " he started.

"I've already done it, Remus," she interrupted, anticipating whatever he might have wanted to say. "And in case you haven't notice, I'm perfectly fine. And I will keep on turning into a wolf and stay with you every full moon from now on."

She glared at him with fiery eyes and her jaw set on a stubborn expression. It was a beautiful sight and more so because he knew there was no reason for her anger. He chuckled and gave her a small kiss on the tip of her nose. It was her turn now to look puzzled.

"I wasn't planning on telling you off," he said with an impish smile.

"You… huh?"

"I was about to tell you, my dear wolf, that you should borrow one of my shirts so you'd be more comfortable while eating your pancakes."

He looked at her blush and traced her cheeks with his thumbs.

"You're not angry then?" she asked.

He smiled broadly and heard her sigh in relief.

"I would be insulting you if I were," he replied. "I trust you, I know what you can do. And I've seen it turned out fine… I… I'm just…"

He drew her nearer and slid her arms around her waist, looking for a word that could encircle every emotion he was feeling.

"I'm just overwhelmed."

She smiled at him and murmured, "Get used to it."

"I'd love to, Nymphadora."

-

-

**AN: I'm not fully convinced about some parts of this ending so I might change it, a bit. **

**Thanks to the people who took some time out of their busy or not-so-busy schedules to leave a review. You've made me think a lot and, why not, you've also made me feel proud. ZedPM (aka Kimly), felixlee14, True Colours, ApirateslifeforKatlie, mangotango101 (I love your nick, btw), Future NYPD and HBP Fan, the-purple-black... ¡Muchas gracias!**

**Cheers!  
**


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